


Getting Jacked

by PseudoFox



Category: Zootopia (2016)
Genre: Anthropomorphic, Awkwardness, Comedy, Drama, Furry, Gen, Humor, Major Original Character(s), Minor Original Character(s), Original Character(s)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-01
Updated: 2017-12-01
Packaged: 2019-02-09 01:25:29
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,181
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12877224
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PseudoFox/pseuds/PseudoFox
Summary: Secret agent Jack Savage has faced all kinds of tough situations before, but his latest task worries even him. With yet another public scandal having rocked Zootopia, Savage must put away his instincts and start a strange new assignment. The tough rabbit has never been one to back away from a challenge.





	Getting Jacked

**Chapter One**

The office looked fancy enough. Zootopian government officials often demanded the best in terms of their surroundings, with items from small white sculptures to wide portraits of nice landscapes to big expensive lamps and more set up all around. Still, the freshly appointed public servants swarming City Hall the winter afternoon that Jack Savage walked in seemed rather ill-suited to the swank environments. 

"Ah, Savage, it's great to finally meet you," said the tall ewe, anxiously perched at the end of her desk. Sweat beaded all across her forehead. She stuck out a hoof anxiously, eyes unable to meet the famed secret agent before her.

"Likewise," responded the rabbit with smart-looking sunglasses and an even sharper charcoal grey suit. He stepped over to the desk and seized the offered hoof. "I'm glad to congratulate you personally to being appointed as Foreign Secretary, and I look forward to working with you. It's a new dawn and a new beginning. With your administration just starting, well, I'd recognize your face anywhere."

In truth, Savage could barely tell most of the high-level Zootopian officials apart. Yet his photographic memory seized on minor details such as a habit of scratching one's nose, a pattern of wearing mismatched clothing, a mysterious body odor, and the like to keep all of the senior mammals sorted in his mind. Things had grown tense all across Zootopia after the resignation of Prime Minister Boddicker "Blart" Blaustein and the surrounding scandal, forcing a great many of the PM's fellow boars out of office. Savage wondered exactly how regular citizens, without as good of a memory as his, could keep track of all of the inexperienced sheep rushed into power.

"I'm not going to beat around the bush here. It's only seventy-two degrees in this office, and I'm sweating like a mouse in a cheesecake factory," the ewe remarked, sliding her body back into her small black chair. She managed to meet her eyes with Savage's gaze. "I'm nervous. This new operation that you're getting sent out to do is... nothing like the sort of thing that you've done before. That anybody in your agency has done before— at least, well, recently." The ewe paused for a moment, thinking hard. "Maybe in the odd _old days_ when exploding clams and sleeping with royalty were a regular occurrence, then this might make... more sense..."

"Whatever the mission is, I'll excel at it. I promise you," Savage declared. He took a seat across from the large desk and held up his arms on its sides, showing off some of his scars and chiseled muscles.

Size hardly mattered. He was a powerhouse. He knew that. Everybody in charge of Zootopia knew that.

"We need you to stop a conspiracy by the banking consortium Globus Financial to take over Zootopia's water supply," the ewe announced.

"Globus? Ah, no wonder," Savage remarked, "the boars and pigs that head that den of thieves, well, they put so much into poor Blart. Too bad that the hapless fool was more interested in hooved crossdressers than hoods counterfeiting."

"The company is close. There's only two months before their plans go into action. The government has to stop them."

"Easier done than said," Savage replied, putting on a smug expression, "I can work it like I took down those nighthowler dealers up in Tundratown, or those black-market gamblers back in—"

_"Stop!"_

The voice caused both ewe and rabbit to flip around. The immense bison walking in had a scowl large enough that it looked like it would break his entire face. Savage recognized the powerful prey mammal as a former Zootopian police chief.

"Due to the sensitivity of dealing with these boars, _any_ form of violence whatsoever is _strictly prohibited_ ," the bison announced. He marched across the office, his steps shaking the thin wooden ground, and continued on. "The very reason that Globus is sticking it's nose into things in the first place is sour grapes over what just happened. The scandal was bad enough. Notice the past tense. 'Was' bad enough'. That's _not_ going to become an 'is', agent Savage."

"No problem," the bunny remarked, remaining cocky, "I can go through their computer networks like I did in the Sahara job, and cause their equipment to destroy itself in a spectacular—"

"No," the ewe interrupted. She popped out of her chair and stood up at the old, wooden bookshelves behind the other mammals. "This whole matter is so dangerous, so sensitive, and so utterly worrying that any form of negative conduct whatsoever is prohibited. Period. I'm very sorry about this, Savage, but even issuing the CEO a parking ticket would go too far. We can't actually do anything to them."

"Sir, I don't understand," Savage muttered, his facial expression looking as if somebody had let the air out of a smiley balloon.

"You will be inserted into the company as a senior level employee, agent Savage," the bison declared, stepping right in between the bunny and the ewe, "and your task is to destroy the operation from the inside."

"Not using anything that you've been trained, no," the sheep concluded, "you shall use instead things that have been inate to you. Powers that are hard to explain but very real."

"You don't mean..."

" _Annoyance_." The bison stepped over to the hat rack beside the door. "You will be the worst employee that any company has ever seen. They're unable to fire you, even demote you, due to their current position. Thus, you simply have to be... you."

"Look... Bogo, was it?"

"I never gave you my name," the bison responded.

Savage slipped out of his seat and wandered about in a little circle, feeling utterly bewildered. He finally made his way over to the hat rack and tapped a paw upon the floor in raw irritation. "Come on! Mr. Bogo, you're talking like this, and you've never even met me!"

"I _do_ know," the bison began, reaching out over the rabbit's head," that you immediately placed your bowler hat neatly over my former police officer cap on this very rack. Thereby preventing me from being able to easily, quickly leave, and forcing things to take several seconds—"

"That's just a habit of mine," Savage protested, "it's an old security trick, giving you a little advantage over a stranger—"

"And that's _exactly_ the sort of thing that we want you to bring to Globus Financial."

"Ugh," Savage muttered, leaning up against the wall and not even paying attention as the other two mammals whispered to each other.

The bunny had gotten stationed in all kinds of dank, leaking hideouts and faced off against the worst kinds of criminal sociopaths. Yet this all felt beyond tough. It felt utterly insulting.

"I start tomorrow, don't I?" Savage asked.

The ewe simply nodded. Bogo, for his part, carefully slipped his hat out from underneath Savage's bowler and marched out the door. Savage's eyes trailed after the bison for a moment but returned to his supervisor in a split-second.

"Ugh, seriously," the rabbit murmured, "I feel like I need a shower."

"Oh, none of that, not until the mission is over."

_"What?"_

"No showering is allowed. No aftershave either. No deodorant. Not even any soap after using the bathroom if you help it. Remember that the key word here is: annoyance."

"I take it that I won't get any gadgets on this mission either."

"Actually, Q Branch has something interesting cooked up for you in the next room."

"Alright, sir," the bunny replied, slipping his hat on before stepping through the door. He glanced upon the flat brown table in the middle of the empty room. The rabbit's heart simply sank.

"A cellphone that's half a decade out of date?"

"Yes," Q remarked from someplace else, his voice projected out from the ceiling's electronic speakers, "and you'll never guess what the ringtone is."

"I'm afraid," Savage began, bracing his paws against the table, "that I don't even want to ask."

"I believe the track is called 'Crank Dat, Soulja Boy'. Rest assured that our office will be calling you constantly, allowing for the ringtone to play at all hours of the day and even into the night."

_"Of course."_

"The small item of clothing to your right looks as if it's an ordinary fanny pack, and it basically is, but the fabric has been crammed full of a total of five thousand cigarette butts."

"And I'm to be sure to litter those as carelessly as possible."

"Exactly, Savage."

"Where did you get it from, Q? Just curious."

"Old Navy. Their urine yellow slacks were on sale beside all of the fanny packs and purses."

"I see? What about that pink and orange striped blob, looking something like an endangered squid baby picked out of the arctic?"

"Yes, to activate the device on your left, please give it a simple squeeze."

Savage cringed as he pressed a paw down upon the twisted blob. It immediately let out an obnoxious noise. A little puff of what looked like green-tinted steam shot out from the odd thing's backside.

"This... _can't be_..."

"The mere term 'whoopie cushion' can't sum up what this bio-electronic device does. Simply put, it takes in pleasant odors from the nearby environment and turns them into detestable musks that it sprays around. Enough pressure generates a dead-on sound mimicking that of natural lagomorph flatulence as well."

Savage silently placed the items into his pockets and walked over to a large, steel-covered door. It lead him out into a familiar-looking hallway. The rabbit knew his way around the Zootopian government buildings like the back of his paw. That didn't change the fact that his legs shook as he walked, sheer emotion surging through his senses.

"Well," the bunny said to himself, tossing his small tube of cologne from his side pocket into a nearby garbage can, I did say that I wanted a challenge."

**Only a few days later...**

Savage felt a burst of confidence as a series of mammals lifted their heads off of their desk and stared. He didn't bother to even glance back at any of them. Yet he heard their murmurings clear as a whistle, and he knew that the operation was going smoothly. He hit the jackpot when his closest colleague stepped over to his cubicle less than a minute after he sat down.

"Uh, Jack, what's that constant squishing sound? You know that we agreed that I'd be mum about your... personal hygiene, but I don't get where in the hell that sound comes from," the pig remarked, nervously rubbing her coffee cup against her frilly skirt.

"Oh, that's the bolonga in my shoes," the rabbit replied, grinning from cheek to cheek. He didn't even bother to look up from his laptop.

"The... _what_?"

"Well, you see," Savage began, allowing his eyes to slip a bit upward, "I've gotten complaints that my brand of humor is kind of off-putting among the other mammals. I want to joke around with the rest of them. Be 'one of the guys', even if some of them are also... you know, like you." Savage crassly gestured at her dress. "So, I've thought that if I feel funny... I'll be funny. It makes perfect sense."

"No, Jack, it doesn't," she flatly replied.

"Sort of."

"No. Not 'sort of'. It doesn't."

Jack shrugged. He went immediately back to typing. The pig beside him let out an anger-soaked sigh.

"Look, I know that you can't be fired, and we can't transfer you out of this floor, but," she remarked, slamming her cup down on the adacent desk, "could you at the very least— for the love of _God_ , my mammal— consider starting your shift after regular bathing? For _once_?"

"As I informed you," Savage started to say, putting on his most condescending tone, "the day that I started working: I'm on the Beneficial Cleansing Meditation diet. I couldn't have started a moment too soon, what with how my cigarette habit run my former life. In accordance with my spiritual beliefs, I only consume nuts and berries along with the necessary fluids now. Since I receive no toxins into my bloodstream, unlike the average mammal, I have no need for the kinds of periodic baths, scrub downs, showers, and whatever else you materialistic creatures must engage in. I take purity into my body. I only exude purity. Such is the way of nature."

"Oh, I can't believe I just stood here to hear all that _again_ ," the pig groaned.

"If you want, I can give you another pamphlet about the Holy Temple of Antioch, organized around their sacred grenade, and their ten thousand versus of truth that—"

" _Goodbye_ , Jack!"

The rabbit slipped a paw up in the air. His expression remained flat. On the inside, however, he was beaming. Running through the halls karate chopping mammals on the backs of their heads, exactly as he did with those carjackers back in the jungle lands, couldn't even have done a tenth of the damage that he'd unleashed without a single broken bone.

**End of Chapter One**

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks very much for reading!
> 
> This was written as a part of the 'Thematic Thursday' event, with things being focused on spy stories. The piece is, well, rather silly, even for a writer such as myself that constantly dips into weird subjects. I had a bunch of fun writing it. and I hope that it's a nice read. Thank you once again for looking at it.


End file.
